Drowning in The Blue Nile
He sent me “Downtown Lights”
I hadn’t heard it in a while
My boredom’s bone-deep
This cage was once just fine
Am I allowed to cry?
I dream of cracking locks
Throwing my life to the wolves
Or the ocean rocks
Crashing into him tonight
He’s a paradox
I’m seeing visions
Am I bad or mad or wise?
What if he’s written “Mine”
On my upper thigh
Only in my mind?
I’m slipping falling
Back into the hedge maze
Oh, what a way to die
I keep recalling things we never did
Messy top lip kiss
How I long for our trysts
Without ever touching his skin
How can I be guilty as sin?
I keep these longings locked
In lower case, inside a vault
Someone told me
“There’s no such thing as bad thoughts
Only your actions talk”
These fatal fantasies
Giving way to labored breath
Taking all of me
We’ve already done it in my head
If it’s make-believe
Why does it feel like a vow?
We’ll both uphold somehow
What if he’s written “Mine”
On my upper thigh
Only in my mind?
I’m slipping falling
Back into the hedge maze
Oh, what a way to die
My bedsheets are ablaze
I’ve screamed his name
Building up back ways
Crashing over my grave
Without ever touching his skin
How can I be guilty as sin?
What if I roll the stone away?
They’re gonna crucify me anyway
What if the way you hold me
Is actually what’s holy?
If long-suffering propriety
Is what they want from me
They don’t know how
You’ve haunted me so stunningly
I choose you and me, religiously
What if he’s written “Mine”
On my upper thigh
Only in my mind?
I’m slipping falling
Back into the hedge maze
Oh, what a way to die
I keep recalling things we never did
Messy top lip kiss
How I long for our trysts
Without ever touching his skin
How can I be guilty as sin?
He sent me “Downtown Lights”
I hadn’t heard it in a while
Am I allowed to cry?